BlessedThickChic

Ang pagdating ng isang supling ay dapat ikaligaya. Ngunit bakit lungkot ang aking nadarama?

Mahigit isang taon na kaming nagmamahalan ng aking kasintahan. Mas nakatatanda ako sa kanya pero di ito naging hadlang sa aming relasyon.

Nung nagsisimula pa lamang kami sa aming relasyon ay tanggap na namin ang aming pagkakaibang relihiyon. Ako ay ipinanganak na Kristyano habang sya ay namulat sa relihiyong Muslim, ganunpaman pareho kaming may paggalang sa bawat pananampalataya.

Sa ikatlong buwan ng aming pagsasama ay napag-usapan namin na kung darating sa puntung kami ay mag-iisang dibdib, pipiliin namin ang maikasal sa Civil na pamamaraan para maging patas sa magkaiba naming relihiyon.

Lumipas ang panahon at napagdesisyunan naming magkaroon ng anak. Mahigit dalawang buwan naming sinubukan at awa ng Diyos, kami ay nabiyayaan. Masayang-masaya kami sa dumating na anghel ng buhay namin. Ito ay isang katuparan sa matagal ko nang pinagdarasal, ang maging isang ina.

Kahit hindi gaanong mataas ang antas namin sa lipunan ay alam naming kakayanin namin ang itaguyod ang pamilyang nais naming buuin basta’t may pagkakaisa at pagmamahal.

Ipinaalam namin sa aming magulang ang magandang balita. Inakala namin na magiging madali ito ngunit kabaliktaran ang nangyari. Dahil Muslim sya ay gusto ng kanyang magulang ang ikasal kami sa Muslim na pamamaraan. Samantalang ang magulang ko naman ay gustong sa Civil kami ikasal para patas sa dalawang magkasalungat na relihiyon.

Naging ugat pa ito ng matinding diskusyon at pagtatalo naming dalawa. Dahil napag-usapan naman namin noong una pa lang ang ikasal sa Civil na pamamaraan, nanindigan ako dito. Hindi dahil sa iyon ang gusto ng magulang ko kundi ito ay patas sa aming magkaibang pananampalataya.

Hindi pumayag ang kanyang magulang kaya ang pinakamasakit na desisyong aming ginawa ay ang magkahiwalay muna ng landas. Umuwi muna ako sa aming probinsya kahit mabigat sa aking loob. Binigyan ko sya ng panahon na makausap ang magulang niya at mapaintindi sa kanila na hindi makasarili ang desisyong magpakasal sa Civil.

Ang kaligayahang nadama ko nung nalaman kong ako’y nagdadalang tao ay napalitan ng matinding kalungkutan ng kaming dalawa ay nagkalayo ng pansamantala.

Labis na lungkot at pag-iyak ang aking nagawa. Kailangan kong tapangan at kailangan kong tumayo ng mag-isa para sa aking anak. Yung inaasam kong kasama ko siya tuwing magpapatingin ako sa doktor ay tila isang pangarap na kayhirap abutin. Sa tuwing nahihirapan ako sa aking pagbubuntis ay inaalala ko na lamang ang panahong kami ay magkasama.

Mahirap ang mag-isa, takot ang namumuo sa aking dibdib. Paano kung di ko kayanin? Paano kung hindi na kami muling magkasama? Gusto kong sumaya pero hindi ko magawa.

Masaya ako sa pagdating mo, anak, huwag mong isiping ayoko sa’yo. Masayang-masaya ako at di ko pinagsisisihan na dumating ka sa buhay ko. Patawad kung nararamdaman mo ang lungkot ko. Kung nararamdaman mong mabigat ang loob ko sa pagdating mo.

Ipinapanalangin ko na lamang na gabayan ako ng Diyos at bigyan ako ng kalakasan na palakihin ka ng maayos at may takot sa Kanya.

Darating ang araw, ang pamilyang pinapangarap ko ay mabubuo. Mahirap man sa ngayon, ito’y lilipas din. Darating din ang araw anak, lahat ng ito ay iyong mauunawaan. Mahal na mahal kita, anak.

As I looked back, I saw a wonderful you. The one my heart prayed for and the one I wanted to be my companion until my hair is gray.

You do not have everything that could make a girl scream with so much surprise. But you have everything a woman needs. You are a man full of respect and sense of humor. That’s why I fell for you.

You always made sure that I am free from any burden. You do not allow me to carry the groceries because you said I am tired from work. You are very thoughtful and that made my heart leap.

You made me believe that I am beautiful and captured the wonders of me only you found out. You indeed dig every good in me.

You never failed to show me your love and your sweetness because you knew that it will surely brighten my day.

Thank you for bringing out the woman, the best friend, the mother and the wife material in me. Surely, I will take care of you until we get old.

Thank you my Love, my Best friend, my soon to be Husband. I love you ❤️💕

To the man I agreed to be my partner a year and a month ago, I thank the Lord for having you.

Baby, thank you for always and for still pursuing me to be yours. Thank you for making me feel wanted, loved and needed. Thank you for seeing my worth, my beauty and my purpose in your life. Having you made me believe that a sad story is a beginning of the wonderful new series.

Baby, sorry for there are times where I put all the pressure in you when my day is rough. Sorry for being so immature at times that I only think of what will make me happy. Sorry if I put so much burden in you when I could no longer understand mine.

Baby, thank you for staying whenever I tried to push you away. Sorry when there are times I lose some hope and when there are times I spend less time with you.

Baby, know that when I said I love you that means I wanted you to be a part of my life for the next years and that you have and will forever have a wonderful space in my heart. Do not forget that you have my shoulder to lean on when you miss your papa and my arms to hug you when times are tight. I will never get tired of supporting you because I always believe God created you with a Big purpose and that His plans for you is bright and full of abundance.

I am here. I am here… And I will never get tired of you. I am here always ready to welcome you with a kiss and prayers.

I pray that Our good Lord will bless our plans and our little soon-to-be family. I love you so much baby.

It wasn’t an easy journey to healing to begin with. I fell a number of times before I exclaimed, “I finally made it!“

It has been such a journey of finding myself after I’ve lost it when someone broke my heart and destroyed our dreams. It wasn’t an easy ride. I’d be a liar if I will say it was an up and down journey when most of the times it was a downhill battle.

I wanted to be alone yet I wanted an embrace, a comfort. I wanted to cry out all the pain, yet I also wanted to cheer up. I wanted to forget, but I also wanted a proper closure. I wanted to hear all the reasons why I wasn’t enough, why he chose to throw away our plans and just leave me alone.

I didn’t find the answers to all my queries and it made my heart drown in so much pain and sadness.

I tried to stand up from where I fell down. I found new friends and thought the drunken nights will save me from the pain I usually feel when I am all by myself.

I had numbers of flings with men I do not know. I had made a lot of mistakes and traded myself for a temporary happiness I thought would save me from the overflowing tears.

After all the pain I caused to myself, I’ve finally decided to let go of of whats dragging me down. I gave up alcohol, blocked all the men who looked down on me and I started to restore myself. I surrender to the Lord in my prayer.

I started to change my behavior. From being too noisy to preserve. I changed my way of clothing. I’ve stopped some mannerisms such as hair flipping and flirty eye gestures. I had fun doing it. It was really an effort to remind myself to act like a lady and not like a kid. I decided to no longer seek attention and not to force myself to fit in. I accepted some facts that bar hopping is not and should not be my thing. I decided to love myself and respect myself so others will give me the same respect.

As I was having a great time loving myself, the past tried to haunt me but I managed to not allow it destroy what I was trying build- my self. I have understand that I deserve more than a man who will not give me peace because of the fact that he once cheated. I had bigger respect to myself that I stopped chasing someone who doesn’t deserve my time, attention and love. I had bigger love for myself that I don’t want to see myself so much in pain and drowning in a raging waves of sadness. All those were behind me and that’s where they deserve to be, just behind me.

I continued to walk forward and made myself better than before. It was an amazing journey of building myself together. Putting all the pieces back. I watched all the lessons of my dark past with a smile for surely they thought me a lot.

Three years after a broken heart, I can finally say thank you, Lord for being close to the broken heart and for hearing my unsaid prayers and my cries. Thank you, Lord, for without your love I will not be able to build myself back. It was all the Lord’s grace and mercy that I am healed and survived the typhoon. Three years and now I am grateful and joyful for the gift of the broken road. Finding the love of the Lord will help you find yourself.